HUMOR: Now on Sale at the STC Bookstore

Subject: HUMOR: Now on Sale at the STC Bookstore
From: Andrew Plato <intrepid_es -at- yahoo -dot- com>
To: Techwrl-l <techwr-l -at- lists -dot- raycomm -dot- com>
Date: Thu, 11 May 2000 10:19:11 -0700 (PDT)

Somebody request this be reposted.

NOW ON SALE AT THE STC BOOKSTORE-------------------------------------------

How I Made A Million in Technical Writing and Never Learned a Damn Thing 
by Jake Complainer
Master, senior, executive, superior human Jake Complainer describes how he
built an entire career off telling others how to write. Jake spent the first 2
years of his career working and the remaining 15 attending STC conferences and
assessing the font spacing of FrameMaker templates. "Jake's amazing lack of
experience and skills are a inspiration for everyone who wants to cash in and
avoid work." Sudir Pantanulamba, Slaves from other Countries Consulting, Inc.

Adobe is from Venus, Microsoft is from Mars 
By Ina Whiner
Hyper-mega, super skilled and tremendously huge Ina Whiner tells how the
satanic forces of Microsoft fouled the Divine purity of Adobe FrameMaker. Ina
shows how FrameMaker a vastly superior form of life, was corrupted and hounded
by Bill Gate's minions. "Ina's insistence that all of humanity bow in humble
reverence to the awe and grandeur of FrameMaker almost brought up tears - among
other things." Ken Kluckpucker, Oogle the Boobs Consolidated Manufacturing.

Mischief, Mayhem, Soap 
by Tyler Durton
Egomaniac Tyler Durton tells it like it is in this tell-all telling that really
tells the truth. All you IKEA boys and anal girls get off it. The possessions
you own end up owning you. FrameMaker is like masturbation, but
self-destruction may be an answer. "I am Jack's Tortured Soul." Nameless Wimp,
You Wish You Had a Clue Corporation.

Why we Write 
by Michael Sanctimonious
Lord and Master Technical Communicator Michael Sanctimonious tells his touching
and tale of how he started in technical communications. Included are his
endless debates with frizz haired professors about the value of information
mapping and how to use the comma more effectively. Humor abounds as Michael
reveals the terror of his first day at Inhuman Drudgery Corporation when he is
asked to logon using Windows NT. After thoroughly explaining to management that
he is an artist and tender soul - not a technology nerd, his bosses relented
and allowed him to write his documents on a clackity old typewriter. "I almost
peed my pants when I read about Michael's encounter with a database." Gretchen
Fletchit, Streaming River Inc.

The Kalkatorian Methodology 
by Daniel Kalkatorian
High-priest and Executive Washroom Towel Boy Daniel Kalkatorian describes the
simple and effective methodology he developed while working at Incomprehensible
Consulting Inc. This 179 step process ensures your technical publications
department will have more efficient and effective ways to measure the ways you
are measuring things. "Our Technical Publications department went from chaos to
controlled effectiveness thanks to Daniel's book. We now have a metric for
everything and have reduced our documentation times from 96 months to 95 months
for a 100 page user manual." Mary Fluzblacken, Holy Nightmare Software Inc.

Learn to Format a Floppy Disk in 5 Days! 
By Frederick Fontfondler
Top of the heap guy Frederick Fontfondler provides easy, step-by-step
instructions geared for technical communicators to learn the complex process of
formatting floppies. Frederick demonstrates through the use of colorful
graphics and intricate gradients how floppy formatting, a long time oppressor
of technical communicators, can be mastered in just 5 days. "This book feels a
little oily, but boy does it make floppy formatting easy." Ted Takealongwalk,
Latex Notions Inc.

The Fonts of Madison County
By Murial Chickenbiter
Sensitive poet and technical writer Murial Chickenbiter tells the soulful tale
of some blond chick who meets this rugged, buff, guy with rock hard abs who
also happens to be sensitive and brilliant. As their love affair unfolds with
well timed sexual encounters, the rugged buff guy shows Murial, er, the blonde
chick how she can increase her white space with sans-serif fonts. "I was
kerning for more." Dagmar Futz, This Shit Sucks Software.

I'm Okay and You're NOT
by Richard Lester Wonder
Far superior human Richard Lester Wonder demonstrates through meaningless
anecdotes, flawed logic, and emotional irrationality why his ideas regarding
communication, personal responsibility in the work place, and the spacing of
letters is universally correct, while all other people are resoundingly
incorrect. Dick also shows how those who disagree with him are clearly inept
and overly sensitive and just need to "get over it." "I am obviously stupid and
worthless. Thank you Dick Les Wonder for setting me on the right course." Fran
Crotchinator, Industrial Mice Squashing Inc.

Political Correctness for Technical Communicators
by Destiny Sandalwood
Hairy, opinioned and always smelly Destiny Sandalwood demonstrates the proper
way to address people so as not to offend anyone. Included are such issues as
how to respect the ugly, words to avoid, and advanced linguistic terrorism.
This is a must have for people who can't just be nice on a regular basis.
Included are avoiding such loaded phrases as "The MANual is correct" in place
of "The PERSONALual is correct." "Destiny's book really taught me how to
emasculate myself. I now spend all my time at IKEA when I am not writing
carefully sanitized documentation." Ted Lettuce, Society of Tremendous Wimps
Corporation.

Mastering Creativity: Unleashing Genius You Probably Don't Have
by Josh Gladhandler
Glib and dismissive executive Josh Gladhandler has put together a must-have
book of insights and aphorisms for people without taste or originality. This
overly sanitized book was voted "most likely to look good on a web site" by
Marketing Morons of America. This extremely simple book shows how things like
eating and the weekly "out of the box thinking" might, possibly lead you to
something remotely creative in your career. "I weighed 450 pounds, got high all
day, and did my dishes in the bathtub until I read Josh's book. Now I am a
flunky tech writer. Thank you Josh." Cody Creamora, HyperDong Consulting "The
WRITE! Way".

Bean with Bacon Soup for the Technical Writer's Soul
by Nathan Gecko
Appropriately dressed Nathan Gecko provides the uplifting lifting up that warms
the outpouring of support for this heartwarming goodness. Written exclusively
for the bitter, resentful, and usually self-absorbed technical communicator,
Bean With Bacon Soup for the Technical Writer's Soul helps all tech writers
cope with those horrible engineers, people with bad grammar skills, and other
people who feel your career is about as loathsome as a janitor in a Mexican
prison. These inspirational testimonials from men who are routinely divorced
show the rest of us that just around the corner is death. With it's pleasant
slumber and eternal peace. Rest easy and know that no matter what you do, you
are not published author. "My heart was warmed by these words of uplifting
closure. I think I need to have a streaming multimedia interactive e-commerce
data mart now." Sylvania Sackofwheat, Noodles and Grit Foods.

Training for Trainers Training Trainers to Train
by Tom Tukwila|
Terribly terrific Tom Tukwila teaches the ABCs to how to train trainers to
train trainers how to train. This esoteric book describes conceptual ideas that
are vaguely related to human learning and what side of the computer generates
the most heat. Tom has traveled extensively to STC conferences demonstrating
his time-tested ways to teach trainers the training trainer skills they need to
train trainers that train trainers how to train. "Last week I was in training
training trainers, now I am a trainers' trainer training trainers how training
can train them to train trainers trained in training trains." Sara Lewipsuck,
There's Always Room for Jell-O Training Institute.

Spacey Tinkles
by Jose Holodeck
Join Yanni-esque Jose Holodeck on his mystical journey through his moustache as
you meet Gabriel the Searching Technical Communicator and his languished
conversations with such notable historical figures as: Aristotle, Voltaire,
J.R. "Bob" Dobbs, and L. Ron Hubbard. Observe to the spirited debate between
Gabriel and Aristotle as Gabriel reminds Aristotle that Times New Roman is not
to be used for oratory. "Once I picked it up, I was gamma welded to the
substructure." Four of Eight, Subadjuct of Unimatrix 0.3.1.

Get Back to Work, You
by Andrew Plato
Numb and barely alive Andrew Plato shows you "how it is." If you don't like it,
you can eat dirt. "He let's his cats eat out of his cereal bowl." Nameless
Woman, Portland, Oregon.


---------------------------------------------------
Andrew Plato
Get offended, really fast: http://members.home.com/aplato





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