HUMOR: Conference Schedule

Subject: HUMOR: Conference Schedule
From: Andrew Plato <intrepid_es -at- yahoo -dot- com>
To: Techwrl-l <techwr-l -at- lists -dot- raycomm -dot- com>
Date: Fri, 19 May 2000 15:06:48 -0700 (PDT)

Welcome to the 9th annual Conference on Technical Communications. We're sure
you will enjoy the three days off from work meeting and bitching with fellow
slugs like yourself. Be sure to stop by the Hospitality Cart for a free
bendable wire from Hall Fascist Consulting Group.

Day One

7:00 am - 8:30 am
Conference Registration
Please bring your CTC card along with $150.00 in unmarked, non-sequential
$20.00 bills to suite 210 of the Grady City Holiday Inn. Members of law
enforcement are not permitted into the main exhibition hall. Excuses will not
be tolerated.

8:30 am - 9:30am
Pre-conference Coffee Clutch
Meet fellow technical communicators who have an equal amount of disdain for you
as they do everybody else. Scalding hot coffee provided in throwable plastic
cups for a minimal charge. Licking wounds is encouraged.

9:30 am - 11:30 am
Key Note Address
Dan Sackinfuster, President and CEO of The WRITE! Way Group
"Intersexual Fontfondling and the Comma, How Electronic Message-Based
Transextansiation is Changing our Shared Communicative Being"
Mr Sackinfuster is a world reknown blow-hard who speaks with utmost fervor and
creepiness about the coming plague of misplaced commas. Sit back and enjoy the
meticulously engineered illogical blather of this one-world communist who
married his immediate cousin.

11:30 - 1:00
Stop by the pavilion for a complimentary box to use for the overpriced airline
food you can buy at the lunch counter. Three exciting choices of sandwiches:
green n' meaty, veggie-smash, and creamy paste.

1:00 pm - 2:00 pm
Workshop: Why You Need More Hard Drive Space
Katie Cruzglammor, Industrial Mice Squashing, Inc.
Senior, Executive, Mega-Huge Katie Cruzglammor provides a fun and thorough
workshop on how to lobby your anal retentive overlords for a better computer.
Included are such time-honored processes as "I can't do that my computer keeps
crashing", "Fill 'er up with MP3s", "Buggy Software that will Screw Up Your
Computer", and of course "Blaming Microsoft."

2:00 - 3:30
SEMINAR: Advanced Fretting and Irrational Obessivism.
Mike Pookflapper, Jake Might Eat Toads Consolidated Trucking
Coordinating Executive Administrative Regional Managerial Assistant Mike
Pookflapper uses colorful slides and his time-honored monotone drone of a voice
to describe how becoming emotionally attached to insignificant things is not
only fun, but profitable. Topics include "Your Pencils, Your Heart," "The Soul
of Software," and "Advanced Rejecting Ideas Regardless of Logic." A must
attend for all tech writers who lack adolescent selfishness.

3:30 - 4:30
PANEL: Become Independent
Panel Lead: Shelia Shanker, US Department of Fish and Icky Things
Super Shelia Shanker shows you how to throw off the chains of oppression and
control the means of production. As a new member in the National Writers Party
you can be one of the thousands of comrades sharing the riches of todays
markets. With thoughtful insights into business that have no basis in reality,
Shelia encourages all writers to rise up and be immediately cut down. "Every
could has a silver lining, by lightning kills those who try to find it."

4:30 - 5:00
Judging - 9th Annual Technical Communications Competition
Join everybody in the exhibition pavilion as our panel of judges who haven't
written a single document since 1984 select winners for this year's entries.
Categories include: Unintelligible Drek, Exquisite Crap, Meaningless Graphs,
Unhelpful Help, and Unavailable Web Sites.

5:00 - 6:00
Run to hotel, wash filth off body, check out the in-room porn.

6:00 - 8:00 pm
Join all the mouthing fools in the dinner room for a delicious plate of rubber
chicken, crunchy rice, and wilted lettuce. Listen intently as people make
dreadful small talk about fonts, captions, and FrameMaker. Network with peers
for new insights into technical communications. Scour the place for a new sex
partner. (Sexual relations are not allowed in the pavilion.)

8:00 - 10:30 pm
Movie - Office Space
Ron Livingston, Gary Cole, Jennifer Aniston
Yeeeeeahhhh. So why don't you just go ahead and do that. Okay. Thaaaanks.

8:00 - ?
Wander the city aimlessly in a vain attempt to "get the local feel". Firearms

Day 2

Schedule coming soon...

Wasn't that enough for you?

Andrew Plato

Ghastly stench of puppy mills:

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