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Recent posts here have demonstrated the need to be more specific in how we
classify ourselves and our work. Thus, I have assembled this list of suggested
classifications that you better start using, or else.
DTW - Deep Thoughts Writer
Description: This writer is responsible for only documenting really deep
things like the duality of man, the nature of the universe, or how to get ahead
in business without a *real* college degree.
FF - Font Fondler
This person is wholly responsible for obsessing over fonts. This includes
surfing the web and locating new and ever more obscure fonts that will never
PW - Procedure Writer
This person is not actually responsible for writing procedures, but developing
procedures to write about procedures. Naturally this person must work closely
with the Procedure Process Coordinator to ensure procedures for writing
procedures is properly processed in a purposeful production pipeline that
precludes pointless procrastinating.
NW - The No Writer
This writer documents why you CAN'T do things or CAN'T use something. They are
forbidden from ever writing anything that is useful. They are completely
limited to breaking your spirit and what little hope you have for wealth and
MFBSW - The Mighty Famous Big Shot Writer
This writer is rarely available because he/she is off touting his new book or
giving a class on the Dual Nature of the Gerund Clause. This writer is not
allowed to participate in any daily writing activities because his time is so
much better spent telling others how to spend their time.
MW - Milquetoast Writer
This sad little pathetic man or woman is to afraid to talk with any co-workers.
So he/she is confined to tasks that require very little human contact or real
knowledge. However, this person is responsible for documenting all his/her
seething hatred of his/her manager.
WFOTVW - Waiting for the Options to Vest Writer
This person has a permanent web-browser session open to Charles Schwab.com and
is waiting for the moment when his 100 worthless shares of
Hotnetworkbuzzgap.com, the latest money burning e-tailer, to vest so he can
sell off an bolt. Needless to say, the incompetent VP of Marketing just dumped
his 789,320,000,000,000,000 shares and the stock is on its way to $0.0000004
MGCW - Mouse Gunk Cleaner Writer
This writer documents all those pointless tasks that most people do not require
documentation to accomplish, such as cleaning the gunk out of a mouse. This
person is always happy to:
1. Open mouth.
2. Emit words.
3. Shut mouth
4. Repeat until 5:00 pm
And other such useful instructions for life. Produces and endless stream of
"clever" emails like the "What If Dr. Seuss was a Technical Writer" and "Send
this to 20 People and Get $1000."
PDW - Permanently Disgusted Writer
Whatever it is - he/she doesn't like it. It's probably time to get a new job.
This person remains in a perpetual state of flabbergasted-ness. Whatever
management, the government, or God does, he/she thinks it is appalling and must
IMWAHW - The I *MUST* Work From Home Writer
This contractor has risen above petty things like human interaction and
teamwork to only work from his/her little sphere of control. This writer
simply cannot get any work done without his/her cup of coffee, Oprah, and
non-stop stream of chat sessions with a guy named DC_BIG_DK who has is own
interactive web site. Hmmmm. Thinks agencies who contact him/her with on-site
jobs need to be put out of business.
IWNPW - The I'm a Writer not a Programmer Writer
He/She is not a programmer, and until you learn that, there is going to be some
problems here. This writer wants to make it clear that he/she is not a
programmer and had better not be expected to do any programming. Although
he/she took a course in *whatever* language, he/she wants you to know in no
uncertain terms that he/she will not be doing any coding whatsoever. So if
that is in the job requirement, he/she simply will not be able to accept the
job. You know what I mean? You see, some places just don't understand that as
CRUW - Continuously Ramping Up Writer
This writer just needs a little time to ramp up on FrameWangler
10.0101.0102992.292. He used it about a year ago but just needs a little time
to get up to speed. He has no worries that he can't get a handle on that
product pretty quickly. He took a class on it once, but that was version
8.2929ajjdsdks.9193msm192,m.29-aaaaZzz. Although a lot has changed, he still
knows the basics and can be an immediate asset to the team - after a small ramp
SYADWW - Sit Your Ass Down and Write Writer
This writer has no more tolerance for you little weasels. Get back to work
you! You should be happy you have a job. Children in China have to eat toads
and hamsters you know. You're a lucky American. So write those damn docs and
quit yer whinin' before I really give you something to whine about.
I'll dream up some more on Monday.
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