Re: Sentence structure?

Subject: Re: Sentence structure?
From: David Neeley <dbneeley -at- gmail -dot- com>
To: "TECHWR-L" <techwr-l -at- lists -dot- techwr-l -dot- com>
Date: Thu, 21 Oct 2004 16:00:30 -0500

On Thu, 21 Oct 2004 08:41:37 -0400, Brigitte Johnston
<bjohnston -at- humantech -dot- com> wrote:

> 1. "Analysis is the key to ensuring that you are focusing your
> company's investment on the most important concern."

1. The key is to analyze to be sure you are focusing your company's
investment on its most important concern.

(Note the original left "most important concern" dangling where it
should be specified that it is the *company's* important concern, not
the reader's, that counts!) Rearranging a bit to put the subject at
the head of the sentence eliminates the awkwardness you rightly felt
with the original construction).

> 2. "Identifying the presence, type, and level of risk currently
> existing in the workplace is an essential step toward reducing risks in
> the workplace."

2. To reduce risk in the workplace, you must first identify the
presence, type, and level of risk present.

Even this should be self-evident. In most cases, I'd totally rework it
to something not quite so much an assault upon the reader's

To meaningfully reduce workplace risk, first we must identify for each
task area whether there are existing risks and, if so, what types and
what level of risk they represent.

Admittedly, this adds a distinction that focuses upon the "task area"
rather than the amorphous "workplace"--in which many tasks may be
performed with widely varying levels of risks associated. Too often,
industrial safety efforts by non-experts can overlook a great deal
that is significant--leading to unnecessary accidents and/or OSHA
fines and such.



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Sentence structure?: From: Brigitte Johnston

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