Long sentences

Subject: Long sentences
From: Nancy Allison <maker -at- verizon -dot- net>
To: techwr-l -at- lists -dot- techwr-l -dot- com
Date: Fri, 02 Feb 2007 09:01:50 -0600 (CST)

I'm working on a document that has a very good Introduction -- except for one thing that I can't quite decide about. Some of the sentences are awfully long. Would you break up or reorganize these sentences? (I'm changing the topic in these examples):

The Sunshine program spans all areas of personal homebuilding efforts -- permit authorization through post-construction inspection and reporting -- ensuring comprehensive, documented compliance for any builder to all local and state regulations.


The Sunshine program delivers several immediate benefits, including improved verification of a builder's construction practices, reduced paperwork, streamlined communications, and comprehensive review and alerts to avoid State-imposed fines.

To me, these sentences, though ambitious, flow pretty well. (I'm sorry if my substitutions are sufficiently odd to be distracting in themselves.) In the first example, I'd change "compliance to" to "compliance with" but otherwise I don't see any problem with the English.

The document in question is for an American industry that conducts business in English, and it is very unlikely to be translated. So, the somewhat dense construction will not be an impediment to translators.

Finally, this is an introductory section, and it would not be appropriate to break everything into bulleted lists. Prose really is preferable here.

Your thoughts?


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