Re: Help my sentence... please

Subject: Re: Help my sentence... please
From: "Susan W. Gallagher" <sgallagher -at- STARBASECORP -dot- COM>
Date: Fri, 4 Aug 1995 15:32:47 -0700


> > In addition, the framis requires a thingy to have been developed,
> > using the whatsis tool, that contains whoosies to be used in the
> > whizbang.
> >
> > (It's the framis that contains the whoosies, and the whoosies
> > that are being used in the whizbang.)

> ---------------------------------------------------------------

Problem 1 -- you haven't blamed anyone for developing a thingy.
Do you really mean it to be unattributed? Who's developing the
thingy??? The reader???

Problem 2 -- the sentence *really* makes it sound like it's the
whatsis tool that contains the whoosies.

So...

The framis requires that you first develop a thingy using the
whatsis tool. A framis contains the whoosies to be used in the
whizbang.

Or...

The framis containing the whoosies to be used in the whizbang
requires that you first develop a thingy using the whatsis tool.

Or...

The framis, which contains the whoosies to be used in the
whizbang, requires that you first develop a thingy using the
whatsis tool.

But if you really insist on leaving the reader blameless
of the development act...

The framis, which contains the whoosies to be used in the
whizbang, requires that a thingy be developed using the
whatsis tool.

This is one of those examples that would be *so* much easier
to comprehend if we knew what we were talking about. But I'm
assuming the subject matter is such that we wouldn't know that
even if you used the real words! ;-)

Sue Gallagher
sgallagher -at- starbasecorp -dot- com


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