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Subject:HUMOR: Docs you'd love to write From:Mike McGraw <mcgraw -at- BROOKTREE -dot- COM> Date:Fri, 8 Dec 1995 11:32:14 -0800
The following piece was forwarded by a friend. Now this is the kind of
truth-in -advertising documentation that would be a ball to write.
>------- Forwarded Message Follows -------
> I once unpacked a SCSI drive shipped from Bubba's in Louisiana, and it
> arrived with this article in the packaging. No kidding!
> IMPORTANT! READ THIS BEFORE USING YOUR NEW DEVICE
> Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that
> would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that
> you undoubtedly will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer
> maneuver. Which is why we ask you to:
> PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU
> UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED
> IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND
> NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO
> YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD
> ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK
> THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW
> We're sorry. We just get a little crazy sometimes because we're
> always getting back "defective" merchandise where it turns out that
> the consumer inadvertently bathed the device in acid for six days.
> So, in writing these instructions, we naturally tend to assume that
> your skull is filled with dead insects, but we mean nothing by it.
> OK? Now let's talk about:
> 1. UNPACKING THE DEVICE
> The device is encased in foam to protect it from the Shipping People,
> who like nothing more than to jab spears into outgoing boxes.
> PLEASE INSPECT THE CONTENTS CAREFULLY FOR GASHES OR IDA MAE BARKER'S
> ENGAGEMENT RING, WHICH SHE LOST LAST WEEK, AND SHE THINKS MAYBE IT WAS
> WHILE SHE WAS PACKING DEVICES.
> Ida Mae really wants that ring back, because it is her only proof of
> engagement, and her fiancee, Stuart, is now seriously considering
> backing out on the whole thing in as much as he had consumed most of a
> bottle of Jim Beam in Quality Control when he decided to pop the
> question. It is not without irony that Ida Mae's last name is
> "Barker", if you get our drift.
> WARNING: DO NOT EVER AS LONG AS YOU LIVE THROW AWAY THE BOX OR ANY OF
> THE PIECES OF STYROFOAM, EVEN THE LITTLE ONES SHAPED LIKE PEANUTS.
> If you attempt to return the device to the store, and you are missing
> one single peanut, the store personnel will laugh in the chilling
> manner exhibited by Joseph Stalin just after he enslaved Eastern
> Besides the device, the box should contain:
> * Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING"
> * A little plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets
> and two club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns.
> YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram
> IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to
> your spouse and say "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a
> car that can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger King
> without a major transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that's
> WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret. And not
> 2. PLUGGING IN THE DEVICE
> The plug on this device represents the latest thinking of the
> electrical industry's Plug Mutation Group, which, in a continuing
> effort to prevent consumers from causing hazardous electrical current
> to flow through their appliances, developed the Three-Pronged Plug,
> then the Plug Where One Prong is Bigger Than the Other. Your device
> is equipped with the revolutionary new Plug Whose Prongs Consist of
> Six Small Religious Figurines Made of Chocolate.
> DO NOT TRY TO PLUG IT IN!
> Lay it gently on the floor near an outlet, but out of direct sunlight,
> and clean it weekly with a damp handkerchief.
> WARNING: WHEN YOU ARE LAYING THE PLUG ON THE FLOOR, DO NOT HOLD A
> SHARP OBJECT IN YOUR OTHER HAND AND TRIP OVER THE CORD AND POKE YOUR
> EYE OUT, AS THIS COULD VOID THE WARRANTY.
> 3. OPERATION OF THE DEVICE
> WARNING: WE MANUFACTURE ONLY THE ATTRACTIVE DESIGNER CASE. THE ACTUAL
> WORKING CENTRAL PARTS OF THE DEVICE ARE MANUFACTURED IN JAPAN. THE
> INSTRUCTIONS WERE TRANSLATED BY MRS. SHIRLEY PELTWATER OF ACCOUNTS
> RECEIVABLE, WHO HAS NEVER ACTUALLY BEEN TO JAPAN BUT DOES HAVE MOST OF
> "SHOGUN" ON TAPE.
> INSTRUCTIONS: For results that can be the finest, it is our advising
> that: NEVER to hold these buttons two times!! Except the battery.
> Next taking the (something) earth section may cause a large
> occurrence! However. If this is not a trouble, such rotation is a
> very maintainence action, as a kindly (something) virepoint from
> Drawing B.
> 4. WARRANTY
> Be it hereby known that this device, together with but not excluding
> all those certain parts thereunto, shall be warrantied against all
> defects, failures and malfunctions as shall occur between now and
> Thursday afternoon shortly before 2, during which time the
> Manufacturer will, at no charge to the Owner, send the device to our
> Service People, who will emerge from their caves and engage in rituals
> designed to cleanse it of evil spirits. This warranty does not cover
> the attractive designer case.
> WARNING: IT MAY BE A VIOLATION OF SOME LAW THAT MRS. SHIRLEY PELTWATER
> HAS "SHOGUN" ON TAPE.