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Subject:Win 95 Humor From:Sarah Lee Bihlmayer <tecscrib -at- SIRIUS -dot- COM> Date:Fri, 8 Dec 1995 15:18:55 -0700
>Subject: Microsoft Panhandling
>Redmond, WA -- Microsoft Corporation chair, CEO and all-around babe
>magnet Bill Gates announced yesterday the introduction of a new
>product for Windows 95: Microsoft Panhandling.
>"The idea came to me the other day when a homeless man asked me for
>money," recalls Gates. "I suddenly realized that we were missing a
>golden opportunity. Here was a chance to make a profit without any initial
>monetary investment. Naturally, this man then became my competition,
>so I had my limo driver run over him several times."
>Microsoft engineers have been working around the clock to complete
>Gates' vision of panhandling for the 21st century.
>"We feel that our program designers really understand how the poor and
>needy situation works," says Microsoft Homeless product leader Bernard
>Liu. "Except for the fact that they're stinking rich."
>Microsoft Panhandling will be automatically installed with Windows 95.
>At random intervals, a dialog box pops up, asking the user if they could
>spare any change so that Microsoft has enough money to get a hot meal.
>("This is a little lie," admits software engineer Adam Miller, "since
>our diet consists of Coke and Twinkies, but what panhandler doesn't
>embellish a little?") The user can click Yes, in which case a random amount of
>change between $.05 and $142.50 is transferred from the user's bank
>account to Microsoft's. The user can also respond No, in which case
>the program politely tells the user to have a nice day. The "No" button
>has not yet been implemented.
>"We're experiencing a little trouble programming the No button,"
>Bernard Liu says, "but we should definitely have it up and running within the
>next couple of years. Or at least by the time Windows 2014 comes out.
>Maybe." Gates says this is just the start of an entire line of
>products. "Be on the lookout for products like Microsoft Mugging, which either
>takes $50 or erases your hard drive, and Microsoft Squigee Guy, which
>will clean up your Windows for a dollar." (When Microsoft Squigee Guy
>ships, Windows 95 will no longer automatically refresh your windows.)
>But there are competitors on the horizon. Sun Microsystems and Oracle
>Corporation are introducing panhandling products of their own. "Gates
>is a few tacos short of a combination platter, if you get my drift," says
>Oracle Head Honcho and 3rd degree black belt Larry Ellison. "I mean,
>in the future, we won't need laptop computers asking you for change.
>You'll have an entire network of machines asking you for money." Gates
>responded with, "I know you are, but what am I?" Then general pandemonium
"God is in the details." --Frank Lloyd Wright
Sarah Lee Bihlmayer
Print and Online Documentation Specialist
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