Christmas Humor, Big Corporation-Style

Subject: Christmas Humor, Big Corporation-Style
From: "Dimock, Dick" <red -at- ELSEGUNDOCA -dot- ATTGIS -dot- COM>
Date: Sat, 9 Dec 1995 14:31:00 PST

My boss just sent us all this humor note. It was written by (or at least
received from) a tech writer friend of his, so * I * think it is legal for
list. I have NOT, repeat NOT seen this on the List, over the past several
months, so I post it. Besides, it is Saturday, I'm working overtime unpaid,

and I feel like putting off the other keyboarding for a while.


Happy Holidays, all of you!

The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take
the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of
concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other
restructuring decisions at the North Pole.

Streamlining is due to the North Pole's loss of dominance of the
season's gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail
order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share. He could not
sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.

The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a
late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved
productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard
Business School, is anticipated. Reduction in reindeer will also
lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has
received unfavorable press.

I am pleased to inform you that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed.
Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management
denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that
Rudolph's nose got that way, not from the cold, but from substance
abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did
pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one
of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he
is known to be under executive stress.

As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the
North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps.
Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take
place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:

- The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out
to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic
hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;

- The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not
cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours
could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated;

- The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone
loves the French;

- The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail
system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to
determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long
they talked;

- The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of
Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could
have negative implications for institutional investors.
Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of
T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order;

- The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be
afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one
egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in
productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the
selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from
now on every goose it gets will be a good one;

- The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better
times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans
are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some
new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement;

- As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under
heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce
is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end
job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit
the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;

- Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function
will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no
longer do the steps;

- Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the
expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation
Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work
congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed,
the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of
unemployed congressmen this year;

- Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case
of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string
quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce
savings which will drop right down to the bottom line;

We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl,
animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that
stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can
drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking
expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen
lawyers-a-suing") action is pending.

Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be
necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the
Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division
to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

Happy Holidays!

Regards to all,

Dick Dimock Dredging up 200 pages of UNIX-based
Database SW Installation procedures from
memory and pulling from thin air, at

AT&T GIS where the Release Date looms close, and
not a creature is sleeping, as system testing
and documentation continues, in lovely

El Segundo, CA where 16 stories below I see shoppers
in tee shirts and shorts pick
out Christmas trees. Midwesterner me just
can't associate two such opposite data. It
jangles me sensibilities.
richard -dot- dimock -at- elsegundoca -dot- attgis -dot- com

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