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Subject:FW: Toasters (humor) From:"John L. Wilcox" <wilcox -at- PCD -dot- NET> Date:Wed, 17 Jan 1996 15:48:53 -0800
>If IBM made toasters...
> They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be
> submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide
> market for five, maybe six toasters.
>If Microsoft made toasters...
> Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a
> toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have
> to pay for it anyway. Toaster'95 would weigh 15000 pounds (hence
> requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to
> power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would
> claim to be the first toaster that let's you control how light or
> dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your
> other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate
> Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the
> good bread only works with their toasters.
>If Apple made toasters...
> It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years
>If Fisher Price made toasters...
> "Baby's First Toaster" would have a hand-crank that you turn to
> toast the bread that pops up like a Jack-in-the-box.
>If The Rand Corporation made toasters...
> It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every
> morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service
> department would have an unlisted phone number, and the blueprints
> for the box would be highly classified government documents. The
> X-Files would have an episode about it.
>If the NSA made toasters...
> Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could
> access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of
> national security.
>Does DEC still make toasters?...
> They made good toasters in the '70s, didn't they?
>If Hewlett-Packard made toasters...
> They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast
> and gives you regular bread.
>If Sony made toasters...
> Their Personal Toasting Device, which would be barely larger than
> the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently
> attached to your belt.
>If the Franklin Mint made toasters...
> Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted piece of
> your authentic hand-crafted Civil War pewter toaster.
>If Cray made toasters...
> They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other
> single-slice toaster in the world.
>If Thinking Machines made toasters...
> You would be able to toast 64,000 thousand pieces of bread at the
> same time.
>If Timex made toasters...
> They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that
> take a licking and keep on toasting.
>If Radio Shack made toasters...
> The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about
> it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.
>If K-Tel sold toasters...
> They would not be available in stores, and you would get a free set
> of Ginsu knives.
>If University of Waterloo made toasters...
> They would immediately spin-off a company called WatToast.
>If the PQ made toasters...
> They wouldn't want to be on the same counter-top as the rest of the