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Warning for the humor impaired -- the following are puns. Bad puns.
Hard-working, stretching, grasping puns. Although puns are word plays,
someone might not be able to argue that puns are more tangentially related
to technical writing than, say, ebonics...
For the rest of you, Holiday greetings. Enjoy.
1. A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing
in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an
hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But
why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand
chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
2. A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut
daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always
have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of
the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out
of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made
with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular
time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn t a hazelnut
"No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it"s a hickory daiquiri, doc."
3. A hungry African lion was roaming through the jungle looking for
something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and
reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion
quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king
of the jungle knows that readers
digest and writers cramp.
4. There was a man who entered a local paper s pun contest. He sent in 10
different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in 10 did.
5. An old Indian chief had a stomach ache that wouldn't go away. He
summoned the medicine man. The medicine man gave him a leather thong, two
feet long. "Chew on the thong every day for 20 minutes, until you've eaten
the whole thing, and you will be cured." The old chief took weeks to
finally eat the whole thing, but still had the stomachache. So he summoned
the medicine man again. "Did you eat the thong"", asked the medicine man.
The chief replied, "yes, the thong is gone, but the malady lingers on."
6. A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating
recurring dreams. First I m a teepee; then I m a wigwam; then I m a teepee;
then I m a wigwam. It s driving me crazy. What s wrong with me?"
The doctor replied: "It s very simple. You're two tents."
7. A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his
mouth. The dentist examines him and says, "That new upper plate I put in
for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?" The man
replies, "All I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some
asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious...Hollandaise sauce.
I loved it so much I now put it on everything --- meat, toast, fish,
vegetables, everything." "Well," says the dentist, "that s probably the
problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon
juice, which is highly corrosive. It"s eaten away your upper plate. I ll
make you a new plate, and this time use chrome." "Why chrome"" asks the
patient. To which the dentist replies, "It s simple. Everyone knows that
there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"
8. An Indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant. The first
gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated he built her a teepee made of
deer hide. A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The
chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide. The
third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a
secret. He built this one a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus
hide. He challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred. Many tried,
unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had
given birth to twin boys. "Correct," said the chief. "How did you figure
it out?" The warrior answered, "It s elementary. The value of the squaw of
the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."
9. A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins
that could live forever if they were fed a diet of seagulls. One day, his
supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the
way back, he spied a lion asleep on the road. Afraid to wake the lion, he
gingerly stepped over him. Immediately, he was confronted by two FBI agents
and arrested. The charge: violation of the Mann Act - -i.e., transporting
gulls across a sedate lion for immortal porpoises.