A Dictionary for Women

Subject: A Dictionary for Women
From: George Mena <George -dot- Mena -at- ESSTECH -dot- COM>
Date: Fri, 24 Apr 1998 19:30:49 -0700

Okay, this is off the normal track, but my friend Gayle down in L.A.
sent me this one and it's she who calls this "A Dictionary for Women."
Besides, it's the weekend and after some of the things I've heard around
here, I figured we may as well hear something funny (besides, I'm sure
*someone* on this list has had at least *one* of these thoughts).

On that note, blah... =D


Aaaack (aak) interj.
An utterance upon running directly into a spider web first thing in
the morning --- and you don't know where the spider is.

Airhead (er*hed) n.
What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n.
A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't
realized it yet.

Balance the checkbook (bal*ens da chek*buk) v.To go to the cash
and hit "inquire."

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n
You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the
tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything
up, but, he "made the dinner".

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n.
Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n
Gotta get married in a church.

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n.
An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n.
A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of
peanut M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n.
The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v
To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n.
What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to
the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n.
Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to
duplicate again. See "Magician".

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n
Similar to a black hole in space - if he goes in, he isn't coming out
anytime soon.
(editor's note: also see drunk tank, county jail, sports bar,
professional sports stadium and auto parts store -- I think Gayle would
approve of the additions. And while I could think of many *more*
places, this is probably a good stopping point... ; ) )

Childbirth (child*brth) n.
You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your
hand and say "focus,...breathe...push..."

Lipstick (lip*stik) n
On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his
collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!

Park (park) v./n.
Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck."
After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n.
The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See
also "tranquilizers".

Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n.
A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and
romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n.
Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you
try to remove it.

Zillion (zil*yen) n
The number of times you ask someone to take out the trash, then end
up doing it yourself anyway.

George Mena
Technical Writing Consultant
George -dot- Mena -at- esstech -dot- com
ESS Technology, Inc.
48401 Fremont Blvd.
Fremont, CA 94538

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