HUMOR: Answers to all questions

[Andrew Plato <intrepid_es -at- YAHOO -dot- COM>]

As a complete disservice to this list I am generously contributing my
genetically superior technical intellect to answer all outstanding
questions from you little people...

1) How do I become a technical writer?

You don't.  Only those who can pass the "Pain Sticks of Horthas" may
be technical communicators.  The rest are all user interface
consultants. Also you must pass the "Challenge of Times New Roman" to
take the Oath of Hormuck.  And don't even get me started on all those
certifications you have to go through.

2) What is the going rate for contract tech writers?

Between $0.50 and $750.00 an hour.  Always demand at least $100 an
hour because you deserve it baby.

3) What tools should I learn to be a great technical writer?

You only need to learn the tools I use, because the tools that other
people use are useless and produce bad documents.

4) What do I do if an SME is being mean to me?

Complain, loudly for a long time.  Then quit in disgust and get a
contracting job. Whatever you do, do not produce any valuable
documentation.  That will make the SME meaner.

5) What do I do if my co-worker is not doing his/her job correctly?

Complain, loudly for a long time.  Then quit in disgust and move to
Idaho and start up a snake worshiping cult.  Make sure to hold the
correct end of the snake.

6) One or two spaces after a period?

On Tuesdays in weeks with more odd numbered days than even numbered
days, use two spaces.  On Wednesday, Thursday and Friday, in months
with a "T" or "Q" it is one space.  If you have three buttocks, use
two.  If you are writing about tree-shrews, but using Corel
Wordperfect, it is one space.  All other times, use two spaces, except
when the next three words in a sentence are "Then" "Thou" or "Eat at
Joes", then use one space, unless it is a Monday and the moon is 3/4
or larger, but less than full.

Sheesh, didn't you learn this in school.

7) Why is the listowner a jerk?

Lack of fiber in his diet.

8)What should I say in an interview?

That you are vastly superior in skills, experience, and mitochondrial
DNA to the other frogs interviewed. Make sure to emphasize you amazing
ability to explain your perverse genius to the world.  Also, make sure
to explain why your last employer was incompetent and you needed to
kill him/her.

9) Should I join STC?

Yes, you will get access to the REAL Kennedy assassination files, the
truth about UFOs, and you can join really interesting SIGs like "The
Exciting World of Toner."

10) Is certification a good idea?

Yes! It would allow us technical communicators a more efficient way to
discriminate against people.  And what isn't more American than hating
someone because they aren't like you?

11) Why should I trust you?

My vast, extensive experience as a superior life form makes me ideal
for answering questions from the "little people."  I also took a class
in being smug at the Houston Institute for Greatness.  Also, I took a
poll on here, once, and everyone agrees with me.  Therefore, my
answers must be the correct ones.

I think that pretty much sums it up.  From now on you can all stop
posting your ideas.  I have all the answers and therefore there is no
need to share your thoughts any longer.


-----------------------------------------------------
Hey, get that idea out of your head.  You don't know where it's been.


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 From ??? -at- ??? Sun Jan 00 00:00:00 0000=