Who dreams up these things?

Subject: Who dreams up these things?
From: Andrew Plato <intrepid_es -at- yahoo -dot- com>
To: techwr-l -at- lists -dot- raycomm -dot- com
Date: Mon, 27 Sep 1999 18:53:32 -0700 (PDT)


Sorry I have been away. Been real busy. I breezed by the TECHWR-L list today
and saw a few posts about various process methods. You know how I love those
posts.

Who the hell dreams up these processes? The Rational MasterBlaster Method and
the Capability Mastication Monster? Whatever happened to the "sit your ass
down and write a damn user guide you lazy bum" method.

I am sure you all have some deep feelings about this and will fill my mailbox
with your thoughts. Therefore I really only have one comment.

Why do you need a process to work? Can't you just do the job and go home? I
mean the universe seemed to function pretty well for 29.5 billion years without
CMM, RUP, GUP, DIP or any other acronyms. Can't you just write the manual? I
mean - how frickin' hard is it to write a manual. I'm a moron and I do it all
the time.

I'm rebuilding a doc right now for a company that used a big formal process to
write the doc. Wow. You should see this thing. It is like some Rube Goldberg/
Sam Peckinpah/John Waters/Paul Verhoven/Hunter S. Thompson mescaline induced
vomitous nighmare. I think my cat dropped something in the box last night that
was more logical than this nonsensical wordpile.

The great part about this (at least for me) is that the company is paying me a
small fortune to beat this doc in to shape, lest their stock take another
plunge. For all their rationality and process models - they still couldn't
produce a decent doc.

Hey - something just ocurred to me. Cleaning up after process disasters brings
me BANK!

Hmmmmmm, I've got this whole process thing wrong.

FORGET EVERYTHING I JUST SAID - everyone go back to building processes. The
more complex the better. Make sure you design something so convoluted and
intricate you never have time to learn the technology. Then your company will
hire consultants like me to come fix it. I get rich, while you feel
emotionally satisfied. It's a "ME win, YOU feel good" situation. I like
those. I prefer "ME win, you get messily devoured by a tiger" situations, but
I'll settle for this.

Okay - I like this process stuff now.

I am going to go write a book about processes now. What should I call mine?
The Consultants' Extortion Capability Maturity Rational MasterBlaster Model.
Maybe the Tangental Tacheon Toatally Tardicular Testing Torture Technique. How
about the GravisDong Logical Time Consumption Metholdolgy.

I should figure out how to get "streaming interactive high speed digital media"
into the name as well. Looks better for the IPO.

Do te do te do

Andrew Plato
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