RE: What is wrong with this sentence?

Subject: RE: What is wrong with this sentence?
From: "Sharon Burton" <sharon -at- anthrobytes -dot- com>
To: "TECHWR-L" <techwr-l -at- lists -dot- techwr-l -dot- com>
Date: Thu, 14 Apr 2005 06:57:07 -0700


Or better yet -

"Using the XYZ interface, you can create folders for storing your personal
card information."

But I would not write the sentence as a feature-based sentence. Write it as
what the user is doing. They assume if it's a task they can do in your
product that the interface provides that. My preference, if I was editing:

"You can create folders for storing your personal card information. Storing
your card information lets you... After you store your card information, you
can... Before you start, make sure you have...

1. In the XYZ area/whatever, click..... "


sharon

Sharon Burton
CEO, Anthrobytes Consulting
951-369-8590
www.anthrobytes.com
President of IESTC

-----Original Message-----
From: bounce-techwr-l-189020 -at- lists -dot- techwr-l -dot- com
[mailto:bounce-techwr-l-189020 -at- lists -dot- techwr-l -dot- com]On Behalf Of Jones,
Donna
Sent: Thursday, April 14, 2005 6:40 AM
To: TECHWR-L
Subject: RE: What is wrong with this sentence?



Shelly,

At the very least, there should be a comma between "interface" and "using"
so you don't leave the reader wondering at first glance whether "using" is
part of a verb phrase. The phrase "using which" is awkward, but if the whole
clause is set off by a comma, I don't think it's grammatically incorrect (I
could be wrong--just going by what I remember).

However, I think the sentence would be better rewritten as:

"ABC provides the XYZ interface, which you can use to
create folders for storing your personal card information."

That's my not-so-humble opinion as a former editor. :-)

Donna


Donna L. Jones
--------------------------------------
Technical Writer II
Zebra Technologies Corp.
Vernon Hills, IL
djones -at- zebra -dot- com


> "ABC provides the XYZ interface using which you can create folders for
> storing your personal card information."
>
> Specifically, what's wrong with the use of "using which". I think its
> incorrect, but I am not sure why that is so.



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References:
RE: What is wrong with this sentence?: From: Jones, Donna

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