Re: I Can Really Pick 'Em, Can't I?

[Beth Agnew <beth -dot- agnew -at- senecac -dot- on -dot- ca>]

This is a tough one, Cathy, and more power to you for staying 
levelheaded and professional through all this. First, I would suggest 
you draw a boundary with this guy and let him know that shouting in your 
face is not acceptable. Actually, it's NEVER acceptable, unless you're a 
Marine recruit and he the drill sergeant. Be pleasant, and smile, and 
state calmly to this guy "Please step back, you are too close." Repeat 
that phrase to him until he does step back. Hold your ground, and make 
him move back by verbally repeating "Please step back, you are too 
close." Wait, and do not continue the conversation, until he complies. 
Next, tell him "It is not acceptable for you to yell at me or swear at 
me. Please stop immediately." You might have to repeat that one until he 
gets the message, too. Any time he forgets, remind him again with 
whichever of those phrases fits what he's doing. If he tries to keep on 
with his tirade and he has not yet stepped back, say "Nothing can be 
discussed until you step back (..stop shouting, ...stop swearing)."

It is important that you do not walk away in disgust. That's his payoff, 
and he wins. If it is absolutely necessary to move away from him, make a 
quarter turn and walk toward and past him (without touching him), rather 
than turning and walking away (retreating). Otherwise, stand your ground 
until he backs off. You are calm, pleasant, and firm. You can even smile 
sweetly.

He does not have the right, no matter what his position in the company, 
to belittle you or verbally abuse you. Don't let him get into a long 
rant while you stand there listening to it. Cut it off immediately by 
telling him "It is not acceptable for you to speak to me in that manner. 
Please stop immediately." If he is shouting, you drop the volume of your 
own voice slightly and say "It is not acceptable for you to shout at me. 
Please speak in a normal tone of voice." You are not refusing to comply 
with what he's asking you to do, you are simply establishing the 
conditions wherein he can speak to you and give you instructions.

Most bullies get away with this because no one knows how to stand up to 
them. It's not necessary to have a confrontation, or put yourself in 
jeopardy, you're just drawing a solid boundary as far as the behavior 
you will accept from him. You don't need to escalate the conversation, 
or out-shout him, just calmly repeat the boundary phrases, telling him 
what is not acceptable and what you want him to do instead. Note that 
you are not saying "*I* don't like this...", or "*You *can't ...", you 
are stating a neutral position. Without the personalities involved, 
there is less likelihood of it turning into an emotional battle. 
Essentially, you're stating policy (or what should be policy) for 
behavior in the workplace. His behavior is simply not acceptable.

It is likely your calm and controlled delivery of these boundaries will 
prompt him to have a tantrum. He has learned in the past that his fits 
allow him to have his way. Once he realizes that you are not going to be 
intimidated, he won't like it. How he reacts is not really your concern. 
You're not emotionally wound up in it (even though you might feel you 
are), you are just stating the boundaries of acceptable behavior, and 
expecting him to respect them. You are detaching from his reactions, and 
setting an example with your own calm manner.

Should he be foolish enough to touch you, file a police report 
immediately. If he is browbeating a colleague within your hearing, and 
you don't like it, you can step up to them and say "It is not acceptable 
for you to speak to her in that manner. Please stop immediately." Until 
someone draws the line with this guy, he will keep terrorizing the shop, 
and that is exactly what it is -- terrorism.

It is telling that the other department is seen as a "rival". This 
indicates a corporate culture that is unhealthy to say the least. As 
others have suggested, make sure you keep some notes about what has been 
going on, and that the other manager knows you are following your boss' 
instructions. At least you will feel better and more in control if you 
can set the parameters for how this guy speaks to you. You may not be 
able to stop him berating people entirely, but you can stop accepting it 
from him. Good luck with finding a new opportunity soon!
--Beth

Cathy MacDonald wrote: