Funny Stuff

Subject: Funny Stuff
From: Bill Sullivan <bsullivan -at- SMTPLINK -dot- DELTECPOWER -dot- COM>
Date: Tue, 23 Apr 1996 15:48:53 -0700

Someone, possibly a thief in the night, ran through here this morning.
A floppy fell, whether from the person's person or what, I do not
know. FWIW, here is the text, and I must warn you it's kind of

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous
and give the wrong answers.
-- A Bit of Fry and Laurie

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain,
involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The
hypothalamus controls the "Four F's": 1. fighting; 2. fleeing;
3. feeding; and 4. mating.
-- Psychology professor in
neuropsychology intro course

What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the
unfit, to do the unnecessary.
-- Richard Harkness,
The New York Times, 1960

Slogan of 105.9, the classic rock radio station in Chicago: "Of
all the radio stations in Chicago ... we're one of them."

With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three
thousand miles closer to globular cluster 13 in the
constellation Hercules, and still there are some misfits who
continue to insist that there is no such thing as progress.
-- Ransom K. Ferm

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench
to pound in the correct screw.

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries
with that?"

Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had
years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet,
make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.
-- Dave Barry

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian
because I hate plants.
-- A. Whitney Brown

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely
rearranging their prejudices.
-- William James

We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom
that is in it - and stop there; lest we be like the cat that
sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot
stove-lid again, and that is well; but also she will never sit
down on a cold one anymore.
-- Mark Twain

There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in
the streets?
-- Dick Cavett,
mocking the TV-violence debate

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving
an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life
without even considering if there are men on base.
-- Dave Barry

I am sick unto death of obscure English towns that exist
seemingly for the sole accommodation of these so-called limerick
writers and even sicker of their residents, all of whom suffer
from physical deformities and spend their time dismembering
relatives at fancy dress balls.
-- Editor of the Limerick Times
(Limerick, Ireland)

When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.

Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom: No matter how great your
triumphs or how tragic your defeats, approximately one billion
Chinese couldn't care less.

668: The Neighbor of the Beast

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather
-- Emo Phillips

Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.

Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a
mistake when you make it again.
-- F. P. Jones

Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to
learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for
their apparent disinclination to do so.
-- Douglas Adams,
Last Chance to See

As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not
important that you understand what I'm doing or why you're paying
me so much money. What's important is that you continue to do so.
-- Hunter S. Thompson's
Samoan Attorney

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist,
a woman in the audience stood up and said, "Yes, but is it the
God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't
-- Quentin Crisp

Boundary, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between
two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the
imaginary rights of another.
-- Ambrose Bierce,
The Devil's Dictionary

I think that all right-thinking people in this country are sick
and tired of being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up
in this country with being sick and tired. I'm certainly not!
But I'm sick and tired of being told that I am!
-- Monty Python

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
-- George Carlin

Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.

Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent
revolution inevitable.
-- John F. Kennedy

Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning
of which I disapprove.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant

Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.

Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less
confusing that way.

Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you
think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 1.
Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 2. Advising the President.
3. Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
-- David Letterman

Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I
predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile
disease". Disraeli replied, "That all depends, sir, upon whether
I embrace your principles or your mistress."

For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow
but phone calls taper off.
-- Johnny Carson

The most important thing in the programming language is the name.
A language will not succeed without a good name. I have recently
invented a very good name and now I am looking for a suitable
-- D. E. Knuth, 1967

A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when
you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in
what's left of your unit.
-- In the August 1993 issue, page
9, of PS magazine, the Army's magazine of preventive maintenance

Calvin: People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but
they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots
in the world. Hobbes: Isn't your pants' zipper supposed to be in
the front?

On one occasion a student burst into his office. "Professor
Stigler, I don't believe I deserve this F you've given me." To
which Stigler replied, "I agree, but unfortunately it is the
lowest grade the University will allow me to award."

Don't worry about temptation--as you grow older, it starts
avoiding you.
-- Old Farmer's Almanac

G: "If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?"
EB: "Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air
and scatter oneself over a wide area."
-- Somewhere in No Man's
Land, BA4

The mind is not a vessel to be filled but a fire to be kindled.
-- Plutarch

The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad.
-- Salvador Dali

I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to
anyone, but they've always worked for me.
-- Hunter S. Thompson

Sacred cows make the best hamburger.
-- Mark Twain

"Time's fun when you're having flies."
-- Kermit the Frog

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone
wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than
one night."
-- Charlie Brown,
"Peanuts" [Charles Schulz]

Bill Sullivan
bsullivan -at- deltecpower -dot- com

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