Dilbert Newsletter 12.0

Subject: Dilbert Newsletter 12.0
From: Christopher Thornton <chrisj -at- TELERIDE -dot- ON -dot- CA>
Date: Mon, 9 Sep 1996 14:44:59 -0400

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> Dilbert Newsletter 12.0
> -----------------------

> To: Dogbert's New Ruling Class (DNRC)
> From: Scott Adams
> Date: August 1996

> (Use Courier 12 point font for proper formatting)

> Highlights:
> ------------------------------------------------
> - True Tales of Induhviduals
> - Practical jokes for the office
> - Scott's trip report for The Dilbert Principle
> - Dogbert answers my mail
> ------------------------------------------------

> DNRC Status
> -----------

> Every one of the 135,000 members of DNRC continues to get smarter and
> sexier with each issue of the newsletter.

> Coincidence? Hardly.

> Each sentence you read here is designed to tone your brain and stimulate
> the release of potent pheromones. I know it's working because I'm on an
> airplane as I write this and a woman in a blue outfit offered me a pillow
> and a blanket. You don't have to be Sigmund Freud to know what she's
> thinking.

> If this trend continues we might have to require the people who are not
> in the DNRC (the Induhviduals) to keep themselves sealed in airtight
> plastic bags so they don't sniff our pheromones, go into heat and start
> clinging to our legs in a most unsightly fashion.

> I don't have to tell you that it would be a tragedy to put six billion
> Induhviduals in airtight plastic bags, because the first thing you know,
> someone in the DNRC will want to keep a sandwich fresh and there won't be
> any plastic left.

> Responsibility
> --------------

> When Dogbert conquers the planet and makes all the Induhviduals our
> domestic servants, you will take your place as the new ruling class.
> With this power comes certain responsibilities. Luckily, since we'll
> rule the world, we can ignore those responsibilities and issue generous
> stock options to ourselves whenever we're feeling blue.

> Unknown Induhviduals
> --------------------

> I'm writing this section of the newsletter on my laptop computer while
> sitting in the Orlando airport. The announcement on the public address
> system keeps saying, "Please don't accept any packages from unknown
> Induhviduals." Apparently this is a big problem in Orlando.

> I've gotten three packages from Induhviduals since I sat down. They're
> hideous things, made of carpet and bits of old newspapers, held together
> by bailing twine, stinking of french fries. And that's just the
> Induhviduals themselves -- the packages look worse.

> DNRC Currency
> -------------

> After Dogbert conquers the planet, there will be one type of currency: a
> big steel penny, about the size of a flapjack and weighing four pounds.
> Dogbert's picture will be on one side and his waggish tail on the other.
> It will be called the pennybert, worth the equivalent of one cent U.S.

> DNRC members won't need money after the conquest, since we'll own
> everything. The new coins will only be used to make life more difficult
> for the Induhviduals. If one of them asks us for some illogical or
> unreasonable favor (as they are inclined to do) we can say, "Let's flip a
> coin." If the Induhvidual succeeds in getting the coin airborne, there's
> a reasonable chance that it will knock the Induhvidual unconconscious on
> the way back down. And that can be good for a laugh. It's not
> sophisticated humor, granted, but it only costs a pennybert.

> Each pennybert will carry a phrase that was suggested by a DNRC member
> who is studying Latin but hasn't gotten to the advanced courses yet:

> Ille Albus Canne Vinco Homines

> That either means, "The white dog conquers humankind," or it means
> something that several people told me I couldn't say in this newsletter,
> despite the fact that it is very funny. So supply your own joke here,
> please.

> Clues for Induhviduals
> ----------------------

> The following 11 tips for Induhviduals are based on allegedly true
> stories reported from DNRC observers in the field. If one Induhvidual is
> stymied by something, it's a safe bet that they all are, so this should
> help a lot.

> 1. If you're bidding on a job for UPS, don't send your bid by FedEx.

> 2. If your computer says, "Printer out of Paper," this problem cannot be
> resolved by continuously clicking the "OK" button.

> 3. If you want your refrigerator's ice maker to work, you need to hook
> it to a water source. Air doesn't make good ice unless it is mixed with
> water.

> 4. No matter how much data you add to your laptop, it will not get
> heavier.

> 5. A bad place to store your emergency backup diskette is on the
> underside of your desk drawer, secured by a large magnet.

> 6. It's okay to use the Poloroid Land Camera on a boat.

> 7. When the PC says, "Insert diskette #2," don't do it immediately.
> Remove disk #1 first, even if you're sure you can make them both fit in
> there.

> 8. When your PC says "You have mail," don't go to the company mail room
> and look for a package.

> 9. The French version of Netscape Navigator doesn't translate English
> language web pages into French.

> 10. If you're in the armed services, and it's April 1st, and you get an
> e-mail message to call Colonel Sanders for new orders, don't.

> 11. If you go to the computer store to buy a mousepad, you don't have to
> specify whether it's for a Windows or a Macintosh.

> Practical Jokes for the Office
> ------------------------------

> >From DNRC operatives:

> Prank #1:

> Using the conferencing feature of your office phone, dial one
> Induhvidual, then while it's ringing dial another and conference them
> together. Put your own phone on mute and listen to see how long they'll
> make small talk before figuring out that neither one placed the call.

> Prank #2:

> Microsoft Word has an autocorrect spelling function in its latest
> version. This function automatically corrects spelling mistakes as you
> type. The wonderful part of it is that you can add words to the
> autocorrect dictionary...including words that do not exist.

> If your co-worker leaves his computer unsecure, you're home free.

> For example, you could set it up so that the boss's first name, Bob, is
> autocorrected to Boob whenever the Induhvidual types it. Or set paradigm
> to autocorrect to "puredumb." If you're good, you can get your co-worker
> disciplined for sexual harassment plus any number of diversity-related
> violations.

> Prank #3:

> Get a greeting card that plays an insidious tune. Wrap the musical chip
> in cotton and tape it in on top of a ceiling tile in the victim's office.
> Make it quiet enough that the victim only hears it when it's especially
> silent. Act like he's crazy when he asks you if you hear music.

> Prank #4:

> Put an official-looking sign over the control pad of your office fax or
> copy machine that says it is now voice activated. The sign should direct
> the users to say their full name in a loud, crisp voice (for tracking
> purposes of course) followed by the desired commands, e.g., "This is
> Bruce Induhvidual, give me ten copies, no staple."

> Prank Report:

> (a DNRC field report from a mission completed)

> An Induhvidual left his e-mail account online after he left work. The
> next day his boss asked him why he sent a message asking to take a shower
> with him in the locker room. The pranked Induhvidual could not remember
> sending out the e-mail containing that suggestion.

> Induhviduals Calling Tech Support
> ---------------------------------

> ...another true tale from tech support:

> Tech Support: "What does the screen say now."

> Induhvidual: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."

> Tech Support: "Well?"

> Induhvidual: "How do I know when it's ready?

> True Tales of Induhviduals
> --------------------------

> These true tales of Induhviduals have been reported by DNRC members:

> My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change his
> address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the call asked where
> Vermont was. As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, "Look,
> I'm not stupid or anything, but what state is it in?"

> -----

> A co-worker was playing with an astronomy program called 'Distant Suns'
> when an Induhvidual walked by, noticed his monitor and inquired what he
> was doing. He replied that he was connected to the Hubbell telescope and
> was manipulating its view from his keyboard over the Internet. He even
> let this person take a try at moving our NASA's multi-million dollar
> telescope himself, just by clicking the mouse and the arrow keys! The
> person could not pry himself away, thinking he was working with the
> Hubbell and could not wait to tell his wife what he had done at work.

> -----

> An Induhvidual in my office was having trouble with his e-mail. I
> overheard him discussing the fact that people to whom he had mailed
> things yesterday had not yet received the messages. I asked about the
> e-mail "outbasket" and he replied that there was nothing there because he
> had cleaned it all out this morning. A stunned silence followed while I
> attempted to not laugh, and then I asked him if he meant that he deleted
> everything in the outbasket. Yup. Oops.

> It must be rough being the new guy.

> -----

> Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he
> was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing
> paper. What do I do?"

> "Just use copier machine paper," she told him.

> With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put
> it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.

> Hey, interns work free.

> -----

> I was working the help desk. One day one of the computer operators
> called me and asked if anything "bad" would happen if she dropped coins
> into the openings of her PC. I asked her if this was something she was
> thinking of doing. She said, "never mind" and hung up. So I got out my
> trusty tool kit and paid her a visit. I opened her CPU case and sure
> enough - there was 40 cents.

> [editor's note: Maybe there was some confusion over the phrase "screen
> saver." ]

> -----

> One of our servers crashed. I was watching our new system administrator
> trying to restore it. He inserted a CD and needed to type a path name to
> a directory named "i386". He started to type it and paused, asking me,
> "Where's the key for that line thing?"

> I asked what he was talking about, and he said, "You know, that one that
> looks like an upside-down exclamation mark."

> I replied, "You mean the letter i?" and he said, "Yeah, that's it!"

> -----

> This Induhvidual had a broken lamp which he wanted to discard.
> Unfortunately, the power cord ran under his refrigerator, making it
> impossible to move the lamp while the cord was attached.

> He decided to cut the cord, since the lamp was unusable anyway. He
> didn't remember to unplug it first. I found him in the hallway rolling
> back and forth.

> -----

> I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motor home was towed
> into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and
> the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister."

> I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had
> set the cruise control, then went back to make a sandwich.

> [Editor's note: No, I don't believe this one either.]

> -----

> I called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The Induhvidual who
> answered said, "Bob is on vacation. Would you like to hold?"

> ----

> Here's the set up:

> I rented a movie from Blockbuster. Before the movie begins a message
> comes on the screen saying, "This movie has been altered to fit your
> television screen."

> Comment from Induhvidual:

> "How do they know what size screen I have?"

> ------

> A fun thing to write on a restroom stall, if in fact we were people who
> write things on restroom stalls:

> Left wall: Right wall:
> -------------------------- --------------------------
> see other wall see other wall

> Induhvidual Song
> ----------------

> DNRC Saint Diana Wales submits this song for Induhviduals:

> (Sung to the tune of "Unforgetable" by Nat King Cole)

> In-duh-vidual, that's what you are
> In-duh-vidual, not up to par
> Like a light on when nobody's home
> You think a "hard drive" is traffic heading home
> Never before
> Has someone been more...

> In-duh-vidual, in every way
> And forever more
> That's how you'll stay
> That's why it's just unforgiveable
> There are so many Induhviduals
> blah, blah, blah

> Usage: Hum or whistle the theme to this song when you are in the
> presence of Induhvidualism and wish to indicate it to another DNRCer.

> ----

> Dogbert Answers My Mail
> -----------------------

> In this section, Dogbert answers my mail because I'm too nice to say
> these sorts of things.

> Dear Dogbert,

> I have noticed that the DNRC newsletter is becoming too commercial. An
> increasingly large percentage is wasted with advertisements for Dilbert
> products. Please correct this or I will cancel my subscription!

> R. Bullock

> Dear Mr. Buttocks,

> Thanks for your valuable observation about the FREE Dilbert Newsletter.
> I didn't notice that the FREE Newsletter had a commercial component.
> It's probably a clerical error.

> If you send me your address I'll apologize personally about the
> commercial content of the FREE Dilbert Newsletter by sending you one of
> the new Dilbert greeting cards from Hallmark, the full line of which is
> available in a store near you.

> On second thought, if it's already in a store near you, it would be
> faster if you go get it yourself. If the store tries to make you give
> them money, threaten to stop being a customer. You don't have to stand
> for that sort of shoddy treatment.

> Dogbert

> ----

> Dear Mr. Adams,

> I am the president of the Rhode Island Philately Society. We are having
> our monthly "Stampboree" and wondered if you would draw some cartoons for
> our announcements. I can't pay you anything, but you would be invited to
> attend the event. It's a great place to meet intelligent people.

> Bob

> Dear Blob,

> Mr. Adams is normally very busy. But nothing could be more important
> than helping people who worship defective postage stamps. Count him in!
> And I'm sure he will want to attend an event with a bunch of lonely guys
> who stand around saying things like, "Look at this! It's never been
> licked!"

> Dogbert

> Scott's Trip Report
> -------------------

> This is being written during my whirlwind book tour to promote The
> Dilbert Principle. I will give you a summary of each location I visit so
> you don't have to go to any of these places yourself when you write a
> best-selling book.

> Philadelphia:

> My escort (not what you think) drove me past the little plexiglass shack
> that contains the Liberty Bell. From the road I could make out a large
> crack, which, it turns out, was the backside of a huge tourist with
> sagging pants who blocked my view of the bell. It was bigger than I had
> imagined.

> Chicago:

> This is a difficult city for a vegetarian like me. Most of the
> restaurants have three choices for how you can have your cow prepared:
> 1) Dead, 2) Dying, 3) Really pissed-off. Chicagoans aren't buying into
> the "well done" concept that is being hyped by the liberal media. Much
> of my time was spent arguing that fish and chicken are not vegetables in
> the classic sense of the word.

> Minnesota:

> They call it the "Land of 10,000 lakes." I was immediately suspicious of
> this state because it seemed like 10,000 is too round a number to be
> true. Could this state be so boring that all they have to boast about is
> the number of holes filled with rainwater?

> Upon further investigation, it turns out that the lake thing is all part
> of an elaborate plot to keep people from moving into their secret
> paradise. Further evidence of a conspiracy: the temperature in
> Minnesota is actually 60 to 75 degrees all year long! But the weasly
> residents go out of their way to tell you that you came on "...the only
> nice day this year. Normally it's 400 degrees below zero and your tongue
> breaks off if you try to say any word with a hard consonant in it."

> Except for being liars, the Minnesotans are nice people. But I never got
> used to their mumbling.

> Texas:

> I've heard that everything is bigger in Texas, so I was really looking
> forward to my shower. But it was a lie. I still had to use my hands to
> adjust the shower knobs.

> It's so hot there in the summer that the weather report is expressed in
> terms of how many minutes you can be outside before being killed by the
> sun. The weather yesterday was four minutes.

> New York City:

> No matter how many times I visit this great city I'm always struck by the
> same thing: a yellow taxi cab.

> But the thing that makes up for the bruises, that makes me forget the
> pervasive stench, that makes me appreciate the oppressive humidity and
> the grey crust on my lungs, is the lovely disposition of the residents.
> Strangers on the street will walk right up to you and ask questions like,
> "Are you looking at me?" and "Do you want a date?" You don't get that
> kind of caring from aloof midwesterners.

> Sending Ideas for Dilbert
> -------------------------

> Most of my ideas for the strip come from e-mail. (Thanks to all of you
> who took the time. I'm sorry I can't give personal responses to all of
> you.)

> The best suggestions are ***BRIEF*** theme ideas, not dialog or long
> stories. If something made you mad or amazed or amused today -- and you
> can explain it in a paragraph or less -- it's probably good fodder. And
> I'd love to see it.

> Some parts of your messages may be quoted by me for articles, books or
> interviews. They will be paraphrased if I think it's necessary to
> conceal the identity of the author or to condense a story. I never
> disclose names.

> Send suggestions to me, not a reply to the newsletter address. I'm at
> scottadams -at- aol -dot- com -dot- And your best bet is to wait at least two weeks from
> receiving the newsletter, because I get about a thousand messages a day
> in that period.

> Thanks!

> Dilbert and Dogbert Investment Opportunities
> --------------------------------------------

> Many of you have all the food and shelter that you need and still have
> some money left over. That money should be wisely invested. This can be
> a bewildering task, trying to sort out all of the complicated
> alternatives like mutual funds, t-bills, convertible debentures and
> variable annuities. It's enough to make your head spin. Fortunately
> there's one easy-to-understand, reliable investment that is right for
> everyone: Buying Dilbert crap.

> For your investment convenience I have listed the many sources of fine
> Dilbert investments that are available to you.

> Newest Dilbert Books:
> - "The Dilbert Principle"
> Hard cover, business themes, #1 NY Times Best Seller
> HarperBusiness (ISBN 0-88730-787-6)

> - "Still Pumped from Using the Mouse"
> a compilation covering 12/14/92 - 9/27/93
> Andrews and McMeel (ISBN 0-8362-1026-3)

> Upcoming Dilbert Books (due October 1996):
> - "Dogbert's Top Secret Management Handbook"
> Hard cover, in handbook format, text and comics
> HarperBusiness (ISBN 0-88730-788-4)

> - "Fugitive From the Cubicle Police"
> Compilation covering 9/28/93 to 2/22/95
> Andrews and McMeel (ISBN 0-8362-2119-2)

> Calendars due in stores this Fall from
> Andrews and McMeel: 800-826-4216
> - Page-a-day
> - Wall calendar
> - Engagement calendar
> - Datebook

> Mugs:
> - United Media web store:
> www.unitedmedia.com/comics/dilbert
> US: 800-882-6450 International: +1-612-948-5434
> - Signals Catalog: 1-800-669-9696
> - Gift and book stores, from OZ: 816-932-6543
> - Selected stores, Hallmark, Inc.: 816-274-7605

> Stuffed Dilbert and Dogbert:
> - United Media web store:
> www.unitedmedia.com/comics/dilbert
> US: 800-882-6450 International: +1-612-948-5434
> - Signals Catalog: 800-669-9696

> T-shirts, sweatshirts
> - Retail stores, from Quality Classics: 800-735-7185
> - Retail stores, from Logotel: 410-884-3948
> - Selected stores, Hallmark, Inc.: 816-274-7605

> Caps
> - Retail stores, from Quality Classics 800-735-7185

> Neckties and boxer shorts (silk and polyester)
> - Retail stores, from Ralph Marlin: 800-922-8437

> Neckties (Dilbert-like tie with flip-up feature)
> - United Media web: www.unitedmedia.com/comics/dilbert
> US: 800-882-6450 International: +1-612-948-5434

> Suspenders
> - Retail stores, from Rainbow Connection: 800-500-7877

> Mousepads and wrist rests
> - Computer and business supply stores, from Ring King
> Visibles: 800-272-2366
> - Selected stores, Hallmark, Inc.
> (mousepads only): 816-274-7605

> Framed, signed reproductions of select strips from
> Classcom: 514-747-9492
> - Signals Catalog: 800-669-9696

> Framed, UNsigned reproductions of select strips
> - United Media web: www.unitedmedia.com/comics/dilbert
> US: 800-882-6450. International: +1-612-948-5434

> Magnets
> - Postcard magnets from Global Imprints: 770-492-0406
> (these can be mailed using a $0.33 stamp).
> - Packaged sets from Caryco: 206-325-2767
> - Individual magnets from Hallmark, Inc.: 816-274-7605

> Animated Dilbert videos
> Cohen/Gebler Associates
> US 800-208-3535 International: +1-617-262-4242
> - Meeting openers (various topics)
> - Dogbert's Do-it-Yourself Tech Test

> Custom internal company communication programs
> using Dilbert
> Cohen/Gebler Associates
> US 800-208-3535 International: +1-617-262-4242
> - Employee training
> - Internal communications
> - Employee meetings/events

> From Hallmark, Inc. and available in selected
> stores: 816-274-7605
> - Greeting cards
> - Playing cards
> - Lunch bags
> - Memo pads
> - Self-stick notes
> - Stickers
> - T-shirts
> - Mouse pads
> - Mugs
> - Paper prints
> - Magnets

> From OZ, available in selected stores: 816-932-6543
> - Mini books
> - Gift books
> - Postcard book
> - Mugs
> - Bookmarks

> Post-It brand notes
> - Retail stores, from 3M: 612-736-6965

> Medical and dental client communications
> from Smart Practice: 602-225-0595
> - Postcards
> - Re-call cards

> Dilbert Books backlist
> ----------------------

> "Build a Better Life by Stealing Office Supplies" (original material
> about working at a big company), Andrews and McMeel. (ISBN 0-8362-1757-8)

> "Always Postpone Meetings with Time-Wasting Morons" (a compilation of the
> first year), Andrews and McMeel.
> (ISBN 0-8362-1758-6)

> "Clues for the Clueless" from Andrews and McMeel. It's original material
> on the subject of manners using the Dilbert cast. (ISBN 0-8362-1737-3)

> "Shave the Whales" (a compilation of the second year of Dilbert), Andrews
> and McMeel. (ISBN 0-8362-1740-3)

> "Bring Me the Head of Willy the Mailboy" (a compilation covering 10/5/90
> through 5/18/91.), Andrews and McMeel. (ISBN 0-8362-1779-9)

> "It's Obvious You Won't Survive By Your Wits Alone" (a compilation
> covering 5/19/91 to 12/13/92, with color Sundays), Andrews and McMeel.
> (ISBN 0-8362-0415-8).

> Check with any bookstore for the books above. If that fails, call the
> publisher, Andrews and McMeel directly at 800-826-4216 and order by mail.
> (International callers use +1-816-932-6700)

> ***************** General Dilbert Facts *******************

> The cartoon strip Dilbert began in 1989. It now appears in over 1,200
> papers in 35 countries.

> The author (that would be me) receives about 350 e-mail messages per day.
> I read all of my e-mail personally. I don't have an assistant, unless
> you count my cat. If you get a canned response, or no response at all,
> it just means my fingers are tired. If you get an incoherent answer it
> means I'm up late. If you ask multiple questions I often answer the one
> I like.

> Despite what you've heard, I don't work at your company. I worked at
> Crocker Bank in San Francisco from 1979 to 1986, then Pacific Bell from
> 1986 to June 1995, mostly in various engineering groups. But I'm not an
> engineer by education; I did the MBA thing.

> I am not your high school friend of the same name. I did not author the
> Scott Adams Adventure Games for computers. I did not go to your school.
> The person you know is not my relative. I am not your ex-husband. We
> were not childhood friends. I am not related to Douglas Adams. Despite
> what your friend says, I don't know him/her.

> Dilbert is not gaining weight. There is no particular reason that
> neither Dilbert nor Dogbert have obvious mouths. They eat when nobody is
> looking.

> The most frequently asked question is "Why does Dilbert's tie curl up
> like that?" The answer is either A) It's a metaphor for his inability to
> control his environment or B) He's just glad to see you.

> The boss character has no name. He's the same boss as the old boss, but
> his hair got pointier over time. Dogbert's breed is unspecified.
> Dilbert's company has no name. It's intentionally unclear what they do
> for a living, but Dilbert has a degree in Electrical Engineering from
> MIT.

> Printing, Copying, Reprinting, Licensing of Dilbert
> ---------------------------------------------------

> The copyright and trademark for Dilbert are owned by United Media in New
> York. You can call them at 800-221-4816 (International callers use
> +1-212-293-8500). There would be a fee that depends on how you want to
> use the strip or the characters.

> About the Dilbert List
> ----------------------

> It costs you nothing to be on the Dilbert Newsletter list, except for the
> cost of your own e-mail.

> I'm using a "List Server" system to automate this process. So this
> newsletter will come to you from a different e-mail address than my
> personal one. Don't "reply" to the newsletter address please.

> The frequency of the Dilbert Newsletter is approximately "whenever I feel
> like it" which should be about three or four times a year.

> How to Subscribe Automatically
> ------------------------------

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> Getting Old Newsletters
> -----------------------

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> I can't send back issues by e-mail for reasons you wouldn't believe if I
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> Problems Signing Up for the Newsletter
> --------------------------------------

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> Reprinting This Newsletter
> --------------------------

> Feel free to copy, post and distribute this newsletter within the bounds
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> Scott Adams
> scottadams -at- aol -dot- com

> Scott Adams

> O-

> ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

> 297 messages to read today. No, this is not coming to you from a
> nubile cartoonist's assistant.
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

> http://www.unitedmedia.com/comics/dilbert/

Christopher J.D. Thornton TEL: (416) 596-1940 ext. 378
Technical Writer FAX: (416) 595-5653

Teleride Sage Ltd.
E-mail:chrisj -at- dragon -dot- teleride -dot- on -dot- ca
156 Front Street West, 5th floor
Toronto Ontario Canada
M5J 2L6

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