HUMOR: Cat-specific language

Subject: HUMOR: Cat-specific language
From: Andrew Plato <intrepid_es -at- YAHOO -dot- COM>
Date: Tue, 27 Apr 1999 10:25:34 -0700

People we have got to start thinking about the cats in our writing. When
people hear things like ?catatonic? or ?catsup? some cats are terribly
offended. Moreover, we continuously are demeaning our cats with such
affectations as ?kitty?, ?pussy? and ?chair destroying sh*t factory?.

In his seminal work ?Insignificant Issues in Communications? Dr. I.M. Vas
Deferens noted that in laboratory conditions, cats experience extreme emotional
and physical discomfort when humans use the words ?cat?, ?kitty?, and
?fuzz-ball? in a demeaning way. Some cats have taken to life on the streets
living paw to mouth rather than associate with humans. We as technical
communicators must stop work and ruminate about these dreadful issues for a few
days.

I think it is time technical communicators stood up for the rights of cats all
over the world and obsess over this issue. Personal preference regarding the
plight of cats is simple not allowed. We must all uniformly have the same
ideas and perceptions regarding cats. Otherwise, think of all the kittens
being born in to the world who will never see themselves as anything more than
just a ?bird munching beast.?

Furthermore, consider the millions of cats who grow up in homes where they are
called names like ?blackie?, ?beasty?, ?meatloaf?, and ?little fu*ker.? How do
these kittens fair in adulthood?

In a constipated study carried out by the Institute of Superfluous Issues of
Existence, Dr. G.I. Gottablow found that 49% of all kittens raised with
demeaning names were more likely to grow up whizzing on the couch. Moreover, a
full 13% were found to be hoarding ?small balls of paper? in secret areas of
the house. This type of behavior is indicative of what we saw last month in
Nesbit, SD when three teen cats walked into the city pound and systematically
began hissing at other cats. When the spit cleared, 21 cats has taken a whiz
on the floor and one pound worker had a scratch on her arm. It has pure terror
for all involved. Terror that has got to be stopped.

These three cats grew up in homes where the technical communicators routinely
demeaned them with cute names like ?fluffy? and ?pretty kitty.? How can we as
professionals continue to use the sacred notion of cats in a way that oppresses
their timeless beauty? I have found that avoiding work and complaining about
insignificant injustices in the universe is an excellent way to ensure lasting
employment and protection of the nether species.

Therefore, to ensure that cats the world over are protected. I believe it is
time we all start behaving identically. There is simply no room for variance
of opinion here. Thus, please begin use of these words:

Felineonic ? not catatonic
Felinesup ? not catsup
Felinothic ? not Catholic
Felineode ? not cathode
Felinerpiller ? not caterpillar

Thank you for your understanding. It is only when there are no choices do we
truly become enlightened.





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