HUMOR: New X-Men

Subject: HUMOR: New X-Men
From: Andrew Plato <intrepid_es -at- yahoo -dot- com>
To: Techwrl-l <techwr-l -at- lists -dot- raycomm -dot- com>
Date: Fri, 14 Jul 2000 10:31:42 -0700 (PDT)

Bryan Singer, the director of X-men, is already gearing up for the next
installment of the X-men movie. Currently, they are considering the following
new characters. NOTE: The next movie is going to be based in Silicon Valley!


This super-venture capitalist can smell a sucker anywhere in the world. He
specializes in transforming 21 year old geeks into snotty BMW driving
billionares by advertising the hell out of something nobody needs.


With the power to make you use nonsense acronyms, Acrophasic can disrupt the
ability of any company to make money or any individual from being even remotely

iMac Man

Endowed with a completely transparent personality, iMac man isn't particularly
powerful or useful (he lacks a nose) but DAMN! he is so CUTE!

The Networker

With a 10 Gigabit router built right into his butt, the Networker can route
packets like nothing you've ever seen before. With a full duplex VoIP
connection and the ultimate frame spoofing glib, The Networker can see that you
NEVER get that damn porn picture you want.


This super-human chief technology officer doesn't know the difference between a
router and a rectum, but he has an unlimited supply of super-human cliches and
excuses as to why you can't have a new computer.


Armed with the ability to frag and make ludicrous gibs, Quaker can't really do
anything useful in the real world but consume mass quantities of Mountain Dew
and Cheetoes. But, when he has his with a Gravis Game Pad 2000 and a nVidia
Riva AGP 32 MB - he dominates the on-line arena.


Armed with a profound insecurity complex, the Documentor has the ability to bog
down anything into insignificant discussions about fonts, style guides, and
internationally approved process methodologies. He also can see fonts in the


This incomprehensible foreigner is armed with amazing intellectual and mental
powers and the ability to be simultaneously adorable and frightening to snobby
white people. Unfortunately, he is enslaved to Insensitive Consulting Services
for a palty $25 an hour.


With a e-mail client built right into her left nostril and the ability to make
anything a heated and nonsensensical political argument, Webyomn uses her
intolerant political agenda to disseminate countless tons of bile on the
Internet blaming everything on those pesky phalluses.


This overweight, smelly goober uses his ability to code in Java (a super power
in an of itself) to help young women take their clothes off in cyberspace. His
amazing power to remove clothes from women in his mind is matched only by his
incredible obsessions with Sun Microsystems.


This super-hero also has few powers, but he sure likes you and wants to know
what it will take to get you to buy his new Injunction Dextrinator for Windows.
He comes complete with a built-in beer tap in his chest. He also wants to get
Jimmy's North-Central territory because it rocks.

The Marketeer

With a multi-dimensional bullshit generator attached to all her orifices, the
Marketeer knows just what it takes to keep her job and look busy. She also has
the ability to make people really want her.

The Balmernator

With the ability to out scream anybody and piercing laser beam eyeballs, the
Balmenator can inject toxic DLLs into your browser and convince small companies
to sell out to him. The huge Windows logo on his chest also transforms into a
time-jumping gateway so he can jump back in time and kill his competitors in
while they are still children (and unable to cut good code).


Armed with a international standards facilitation gland in his right buttcheek,
the Technopurist has no tolerance for anything that deviates from his
world-wide plan of perfect technological perfection. The arch nemesis of the
Balminator these two square off in an epic battle over who is the bigger moron.

...more to come.

Andrew Plato

Now with more pus and filth:

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